Silence
by WithPaperAndPen
Summary: Ever since Emma Carstairs witnessed the death of her parents and the terrible events of the Mortal War, she has been unable to speak. She's lived a quiet existence with her guardians in London for four years, but when they travel to Alicante, she meets Julian Blackthorn, someone who will turn her world upside down. She, in turn, will do the same to his. (Blackstairs, AU)
1. Arrival

_**A/N: This is a little AU that I concocted a few days ago, and since I'm sadly obsessed with Blackstairs and the Blackthorn family and basically anything to do with TDA, I decided to post this!**_

**_In this AU, Emma and Julian were never friends (although Emma was still born and raised in California) and after the Mortal War and her parent's death, she moved to London to live with Jem and Tessa in the London Institute. Everyone's ages are the same (eg. Emma and Julian were 12 during the war). More details will be revealed as the story moves on! I hope you enjoy!_**

* * *

Emma Carstairs sat in the library, staring out the window at the rain that was pouring down upon the streets of London. Her copy of _The Shadowhunter's Codex _lay forgotten on her lap as she distracted herself from her studies by watching mundanes run for shelter from the deluge. Her distraction was short-lived as her guardian (and sixth-cousin-once-removed) Jem Carstairs entered the room. Emma ducked her head back to her book, but Jem wasn't fooled.

"Emma, were you people-watching again?" He asked mock-angrily. Emma nodded and Jem smiled. "That's alright. I think you've studied enough for today anyway. You may go." Emma snapped her book closed and retreated to her bedroom with a thankful smile in Jem's direction. Jem watched her go before going in search of Tessa, his loving wife.

Emma turned on her music and lay on her bed, staring at her ceiling aimlessly. She closed her eyes and let the sounds of rain and cars lull her into a light doze. Hours passed with Emma lost in her own mind, and the only time she reentered the world was when Tessa knocked on her door.

"Emma, it's time to eat dinner." Emma blinked her brown eyes sleepily and obediently rolled off her bed and followed Tessa downstairs. The London Institute was much larger than the Institute in California that she was raised in, but she loved it just the same. It was just Jem, Tessa, and herself living in the huge church, and Emma enjoyed the ever-present silence. She had been an only child in her old life, so she welcomed the peace and quiet.

Emma's life, like that of so many others, had been disrupted by the Mortal War, and the changes to her world were so great that she referred to her life before the age of 12 as her "old life". This was not abnormal for Emma, as she liked everything strictly defined and broken-down. She was a very driven Shadowhunter and she expected excellence from herself in every area – training, studying, and fighting.

She pulled out her chair and sat at the dinner table, smiling at Jem who was reading through the day's mail. Tessa swatted his arm with a napkin until he set his correspondence aside and began eating his dinner. Emma picked at her chicken for a moment before taking a small bite.

"Is everything alright, Emma?" Tessa asked with a frown, noticing the girl's odd habits. Emma nodded, chewing her bite.

"Let her be, Tessa." Jem advised, cutting a forkful of green beans in half. "She's probably just tired. I gave her quite a workout during training today!" Emma smirked at him, eating a bite of beans. She and Jem had drilled for hours on short-sword fighting, using her weapon of choice, Cortana, as a model. They had worked until Emma had finally bested Jem in a duel, something that made her very proud.

Tessa studied her surrogate daughter's face for a moment. "Emma, Jem and I need to talk to you about something." Emma sat up straighter, sure that they were going to scold her for something she'd done, but both of her guardians' postures looked relaxed.

"The Council has summoned Tessa and I to Idris," Jem began, "and I don't want to leave you here alone. Would you be alright coming to Idris with us?" Emma blinked.

"I know it might be hard to go back there, sweetheart, especially since you've not been back since the war, but- " Tessa broke off as Emma nodded. "Is that a yes? You'd like to come?" Emma nodded again and smiled slightly. Jem sighed.

"Good. We leave tomorrow night."

After a few more minutes of dinner, Emma excused herself from the table, running to her room under the guise of packing for the trip to Idris. She locked her bedroom door and leaned against it, her heart hammering against her ribcage. Running her hands through her thick blonde hair, she paced the room, attempting to breathe deeply to calm her racing heart and squeezing lungs. Things she had seen during the war flashed through her head without her consent and she knelt on the floor as she discovered it was too hard to breathe while standing up. _No, no, no, no, no, _she screamed in her head as the memories grew stronger. Strangled noises were all she could manage as her fists clutched the rug on the floor until her tremors subsided and she was able to stand.

She stared at herself in the mirror. Her face was red and blotchy from tears she didn't know she had shed during her episode, and her palms were sore from where her fingernails had gouged them. Emma looked a bit closer at herself as she noticed a new scar on her neck – no doubt from that Shax demon she and Jem had killed last night. She didn't look at her reflection very much; why should her appearance matter? True, her long hair, big eyes, and toned Shadowhunter's figure made her desirable to all sorts of Downworlders and demons, but she only had use for those feminine wiles when she was hunting demons in the Downworld nightclubs along what used to be Whitechapel High Street. On an average day, Emma only cared about her appearance long enough to throw her hair into a braid and put on clothing that matched. The only aspect of her appearance Emma loved were her scars. They decorated her arms, legs, torso, neck, and face – almost every inch of her – and she liked it. Each scar was a testament to a battle fought and won. The only scar that didn't receive any love from its wearer was a long jagged scar on the inside of her arm. Emma hated that scar more than anything, and it was the reason that she was self-conscious enough to always wear long sleeves when going out.

Emma stepped back from the mirror and began packing, a task that took her not more than ten minutes. When she was finished, she brushed her teeth and hair and readied for bed, knowing that the time difference in Idris would be terrible, so she had better get some sleep.

At half past midnight, Jem quietly pushed the door to his surrogate daughter's room open. He was relieved to see that she was fast asleep, and closed the door lightly so as not to wake her. Turning back to his bedroom, he jumped as Tessa appeared in front of him. "You should be in bed, my love." He said affectionately, touching her cheek.

"I was waiting for you, Jem." She smiled. "Are you still worried about her?" Jem nodded, his eyes flicking back to Emma's room.

"I don't know how this trip will affect her. The trauma from the war is still too raw, even four years later. I'm afraid of what a visit to Idris will mean for her."

Tessa laid a gentle hand on her husband's arm. "Jian, don't worry so. She will be alright. She is strong of mind, just like you are. We'll make sure that she stays safe." Jem relaxed under her touch.

"I know, my Tessa." He kissed her lightly. "Now come on; it's time for bed."

* * *

Emma's eyes widened as they stepped out of the portal the next evening. Alicante was grander than she remembered, or maybe it was the lit-up demon towers and all the Shadowhunters teeming in the streets that made the city seem bigger than her mind recalled.

"Stick close, Emma." Jem called as he and Tessa picked their way to the Gard. _Don't need to tell me twice_, Emma thought to herself, following her guardians closely. Once they arrived, Jem and Tessa exchanged words with Jia Penhallow and a sour-looking Robert Lightwood before setting off for the house they would be occupying for the next week. Emma avoided looking at the Accords Hall, clenching her hands into fists. _Don't think, don't think, don't think, _she chanted to herself. By focusing on watching all the Shadowhunters of various race, background, and customs, she was able to keep her mid clear until they arrived at the home they were staying at. The Carstairs family didn't possess a house in Alicante, so they would be sharing a home with another family.

Emma chose a small room with one bed for herself, not quite willing to share a space with a stranger. She tucked her bag under her bed, strapped Cortana around her waist, and wrote a note for Jem, telling him that she was going for a walk. Despite the fact that it was getting dark, she knew that Jem trusted her to be out alone as long as she was carrying witchlight. Exiting the house, she walked around the back, avoiding the crowds as she set off towards the plains of Idris. Their house was on the edge of the city, so it would be easy for her to get some peace and quiet whenever she wanted.

She walked away from the city, going along a rocky path towards the forest, enjoying the sight of the stars above her. You could hardly see them in London and she had forgotten how beautiful they were. She was so enamored by the peaceful night that she didn't notice the demon until it was right on top of her. Literally.

* * *

Julian Blackthorn had decided to go for a walk before bed, leaving Diana Wrayburn, his family's training instructor, in charge of the younger kids. He wanted to find a safe place to smoke away from the kids and just the city in general. He hated the sight of Alicante, hated the memories of what he had done in the Accords Hall four years ago, and he just wanted an escape. It was too dark to sit outside and paint, so he took his cigarettes and lighter and retreated to the edge of the forest, following the smooth rock path that had been laid years ago.

He flicked the lighter on and was about to light his cigarette when he saw something that caught his eye – a demon emerging from the woods and lunging at something. Julian doused his light and closed his hand around the dagger on his belt, running silently toward where he had seen the demon pounce. It was looming over the fallen Shadowhunter, digging its claws into their arm.

"Hey!" He shouted, trying to get the demon's attention. It growled and turned towards him, but didn't get off the other person. Instead of leaping over its victim's head and charging Julian like he hoped, the demon merely continued attacking the already wounded figure. Julian panicked and, on instinct, threw his knife. It sailed end-over-end and landed soundly in the demon's chest. With a shriek, it pulled back and began to disintegrate, but Julian didn't notice. His blood was rushing in his ears and his heart was pounding. _What have I done?_

_Stop it, _he told himself, forcing his mind away from the past. _It was a demon, not a person_. He hadn't thrown a knife since the Mortal War, and his own finesse scared him.

He stopped his mental tirade as he approached the form on the ground. It was a female with long blonde hair, maybe about his age. She was conscious but in pain, as evidenced by how she was holding her bleeding arms.

"Here, let me fix that." Julian said, withdrawing a stele from his boot. She looked warily at him but held out her arm, her pain obviously outweighing her pride. Julian drew careful _iratzes _on the stranger's arm, noticing her numerous battle scars as he did so. He finished both of her arms and looked up only to see her looking at him too, a strange expression on her face. He swallowed, suddenly nervous, and dropped her arm, tucking his stele away. "Are you okay?" He asked, noticing her ashen face. She nodded, staring at her hands in her lap. Julian saw the sword at her side and wondered curiously why she hadn't defended herself. Maybe she was just caught off guard.

The girl was poking at his cigarette, which had fell to the ground along with Julian's lighter. "That's mine," he said, his face flushing. Shadowhunters were supposed to be above addictions. The girl merely blinked at him, her brown eyes shining in the dim light cast on them from the demon towers. "What's your name?" He asked, intrigued. He would've loved to draw her, all proud features and steely eyes and strong muscles. Her lips parted briefly before a look of frustration flashed across her face. Sighing, she lit the end of Julian's cigarette and used the ash to write on the rock path underneath them.

_'Emma Carstairs.'_

Now Julian was really confused. "W-why aren't you talking? Are you okay?" Emma made a rasping noise of frustration in the back of her throat before lighting the cigarette again.

_'I can't talk. I'm not able to.'_

Julian looked at the girl in shock as she snuffed out the cigarette, her face obscured by her long hair. "You can't?" He asked in shock, forgetting his manners. She shook her head, facing him. Under any other circumstances, Julian would have said a farewell and retreated to smoke, not giving this stranger a second glance, but there was something about her sad, closed eyes and her impenetrable mental walls that made him want to stay with her.

"May I sit out here with you?" He asked, his voice soft so as not to scare her. She was still for a moment before nodding tentatively. Julian sat down cross-legged in the grass next to his new companion. He was fully aware of her eyes upon him, but he kept his gaze on the sky.

_You're going to be something else, aren't you, Emma Carstairs? _He thought to himself as a shooting star cut across the night sky.


	2. Beginnings

_**A/N: Here's chapter 2! So sorry to those who got the first chapter update- something screwed up the doc so it was all wrong! :/ Anyway, enjoy. :D**_

* * *

Emma studied the boy next to her, her eyes raking across his face. His thoughtful green-blue eyes studied the night sky while his fingers absentmindedly plucked at the grass. In the dim light that reached from Alicante, Emma saw flecks of paint in Julian's hair, seemingly dried into the light brown strands. _He must be a painter._

Emma realized that she was probably interrupting his plan to smoke in peace. She picked up Julian's lighter and pack of cigarettes, holding them out to him in an effort to communicate. "It's okay." Julian said, gently pushing her hand away. "I don't smoke around other people. It would only hurt them. Second-hand smoke kills, you know?" He said that last part jokingly. Emma smiled softly, becoming suddenly aware of the fact that Julian had just told her that he'd rather be with her than off smoking. Or maybe she was reading too much into this.

"Are you from the States?" Julian asked her. Emma shook her head, twisting a strand of hair around her fingers nervously. She didn't quite know how she was going to communicate with Julian and it scared her.

_Why does it matter what he thinks of you?_ She asked herself. _It's not like he cares. Not really._

"Are you from...Canada?" Julian asked, his eyes glinting with humor in the dim light of the demon towers. Emma shook her head again, the ghost of a smile flitting across her features. "I'm going to keep guessing until I get it right!" He teased. Emma laughed silently and was rewarded with a wide smile from Julian. "Okay, maybe...England?" Emma nodded and Julian lifted his arms in a victory pose. "Yes!"

Emma rolled her eyes good-naturedly, playing with Julian's lighter as they lapsed into silence again. More often than not, Julian's eyes would stray to her face, something she pretended not to notice, but secretly enjoyed, which confused her. Emma was surprised to notice that their silence was comfortable and she was almost disappointed when Julian stood to his feet, offering Emma her sword.

"It's late. We should get back." He said, shoving his cigarettes in his pocket. Emma handed him his lighter and Julian took it, shyness suddenly crossing his features. "May I walk you home?" He asked quietly, a blush coloring his neck. Emma furrowed her brow, but nodded. Again, she wanted to ask why the strange boy with paint in his hair wanted to have anything to do with her. But she couldn't ask, so she didn't.

She followed him through the grass, igniting her witchlight to help them see the way. They reentered the city unnoticed, slipping through back alleys and shadowed streets until they reached the house Emma was staying in. Julian stopped.

"This is where you're staying?" He asked. Emma nodded, her fingers gripping the doorknob. "This is where we're staying, too. You're Jem Carstairs' ward, aren't you?" He asked, the puzzle pieces starting to connect. He had heard the other Shadowhunters talking about James and Tessa Carstairs and their strange ward, and he had always been curious about the odd family.

Emma nodded again in response just as the front door was flung open, startling Emma so much that she almost fell off the front steps. "Julian." An angry voice said from the doorway. "You left."

Julian's face was unreadable. "Yes, Ty. I did." Emma stepped away, visibly made uncomfortable. "Emma, this is my younger brother, Tiberius." He said by way of introduction, mostly hoping to soothe Emma's wariness. She seemed very afraid and withdrawn and Julian wanted to make her comfortable, even in the face of his blunt younger brother.

Ty spared Emma one glance before continuing on his rant. "Where did you go? You said you'd stay here tonight."

Helplessness flashed across Julian's features. "I'm sorry, Ty. I just... I had to get out. It's just as hard for me to be here as it is for you and the kids." Immediately, Ty's grey eyes turned as cold as steel. Emma guessed that something terrible had happened to the Blackthorn family during the battle in Idris as well, and her heart went out to them all.

"I don't care. You scared Livia." Ty said, as if that fact decided everything. "Don't do it again." With that, the black-haired boy spun on his heel and stalked back into the house.

Julian heaved a sigh. "I'm sorry about him." He said in the tone of the resigned. Emma shrugged_. It's okay._

"Emma?" Jem appeared in the doorway. "Who's this?"

Julian stepped forward. "I'm Julian Blackthorn, sir." He extended a hand, which Jem shook. "I met Emma on the outskirts of the city. We sat together for a while." Emma noticed that Julian didn't mention the demon attack, something for which she was inherently grateful. Jem didn't really need to know how close she had come to serious injury. Emma was a proud girl and didn't like to rely on anyone.

"Well I'm glad Emma has made a friend." Jem said kindly. "It appears that you and your family are staying with us." Jem noted.

Julian nodded. "Yes, sir." He frowned slightly. "I apologize for any trouble my siblings cause. It's hard for us to be back here, especially after the war." _Especially since I can't escape the stares I get in the street from those who know what I've done_, he wanted to add.

Jem looked understanding. "I imagine it can't be easy, and I hope you'll be able to return home soon."

"Thanks," Julian murmured, his eyes sad. Jem, Emma, and Julian entered the house and went their separate ways. Jem and Tessa retreated to the kitchen to talk with Diana Wrayburn while Emma and Julian climbed the stairs to get ready for bed. Try as Emma might, she couldn't keep Julian out of her mind. She could hear his gentle voice murmuring through the wall, and she guessed he was talking to one of his siblings. She marveled at how strange it was that she couldn't stop thinking about one boy, whom she'd known for all of two hours.

After saying goodnight to Jem and Tessa, she retreated to her small room, but found herself unable to sleep. She left her lamp on and lay tracing the shadows on her ceiling with her eyes until a soft knock sounded at the door.

She crossed the room and opened the door, her eyes widening slightly at the figure in front of her. "Hey, Emma." Julian said shyly, standing uncomfortably in the doorway. "I was walking past and I saw the light and I wondered if maybe... y'know, we could talk some more."

Emma's heart lept, and she nodded, pushing the door open further to let him in. She knew it was very inappropriate to let a boy into her bedroom, especially one that she barely knew, but she saw the haunted look in his eyes and understood it - it was the same one she saw in the mirror every day. He didn't want to sleep, maybe he couldn't sleep, and he didn't want to be alone_. I understand._

In order to avoid clueing Jem in to the fact that she was still awake, she shut off her lamp and flicked on a flashlight, grabbing her notebook and pen from her dresser as she did so. _'Are you okay?'_ She wrote, handing it and the flashlight to Julian.

"I'm fine." He said after a pause. "I just don't like being here, you know?" Emma nodded, taking the pad back.

_'It hurts to remember.'_ She showed him. Julian nodded, his eyes darkening.

"Yeah, it does. I can't walk past the Accords Hall without remembering - Never mind." He finished hastily. Emma didn't ask. "Were you here when the attacks happened? In Idris, I mean."

Emma nodded, clenching her fists in the blankets. _Blood roaring in her ears, sweaty palms, a shaking hand clutching Cortana, the Endarkened coming closer and closer, no escape, no escape, no-_

"Emma?" Julian was shaking her shoulder gently. "It's okay." He soothed. Emma realized her hands were shaking and she was breathing fast, as if she had just run twenty miles. "It's okay," Julian said again, his soft voice causing Emma's muscles to relax. "Try to distract yourself." He advised. Emma nodded, biting on her lip as she mentally berated herself. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_.

"Don't beat yourself up, Em." Julian said, resting a light hand on her arm. Emma smiled slightly at the nickname despite her mental barrage. "I have flashbacks all the time too. They keep me up at night."

_'I'm sorry.'_ Emma wrote. Julian's eyes saddened as he looked at the page and then at her. His gaze was heavy on her eyes, almost as if he was searching her soul.

"I am too."

'_Do you think it will ever stop? Do you think the flashbacks will ever go away?" _She asked, her hand shaking. She knew that Julian couldn't provide her with any answers but he was so steady and sure and calming that she just wanted to hear him offer her a little bit of hope. She was tired of panic attacks, tired of waking up in tears every night, tired of seeing mangled bodies and blood every time she closed her eyes.

"I don't know." Julian said softly. "I wish it would stop. I wish my brothers and sisters didn't have to live with this. I wish that I had my dad back." His voice rose as he kept speaking and Emma noticed that his hands were fisted tightly in the blankets. "I wish I didn't have blood on my hands. I wish I wasn't so alone. I wish it wasn't MY FAULT!" He exploded, curling his knees to his chest and running his hands through his hair. Emma regarded him with wide eyes before tentatively reaching out and touching his shoulder, squeezing it as his tremors subsided. When he looked up, she could swear his eyes were full of tears.

'_Someday people will forget. You won't, but they will, and sometimes that makes it easier to bear.' _She wrote quickly, handing her book to Julian. She was proud of that. It sounded like something Jem would say.

"Thanks, Emma." Julian whispered around the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry."

Emma shook her head. _Don't be._

"Let's talk about something else." Julian suggested. "What's it like in London?" And that's how they remained, talking about everything and nothing until the clock struck 2 A.M., at which point Julian decided to leave to allow Emma to get some sleep. Emma stretched out on her bed with a soft smile and an aching, ink-stained hand, and drifted off into the first peaceful sleep that she'd had in years.


	3. Continuation

_**A/N: Hello, hello! I do apologize for this late update - school has kicked my butt and I got a new laptop (YAY) so I'm learning a new word processor! However, I am back and I will try to update more consistently. I hope you enjoy this chapter! (The beginning is a little slow but I promise it's all necessary to the plot) :)**_

* * *

Jem Carstairs heaved a weary sigh as he sat down at the small kitchen table, a mug of steaming tea beside him. Emma had bid him goodnight a few minutes ago and Tessa was out for a walk, so he had decided to sit alone and think for a moment. Returning to Idris always brought back a torrent of memories, both good and bad. He remember the elation of becoming himself again, the fear and worry of the impending battles, and the heartbreak of the aftermath. He was so lost in thought and memories that he jumped when Diana Wrayburn entered the room, sliding into an empty chair.

"How are you, Jem?" She asked the older man softly. Jem's gentle eyes turned on her, still holding their far-away look.

"I'm afraid I'm a bit lost in thought." He laughed quietly. "Idris always brings back so many memories."

Diana's eyes saddened. "I'm afraid I have to agree." She sighed. "It's certainly not easy for the Blackthorns. Being back, even for this short time, is already taking its toll on them."

Jem looked sympathetic. "I understand. I have a little one who was very traumatized by the war." He chuckled. "She's not so little now, I suppose. She's almost seventeen, though sometimes I feel as though she's still the twelve-year-old that came to me after the war."

Diana had seen Jem's eyes light up when he spoke of his charge. "You must love her very much."

"That I do." Jem said fondly. Diana remembered seeing a blonde girl with dark brown eyes standing on the steps earlier. She now guessed that she was Jem's little ward. Diana remembered being surprised that, while Tiberius and Julian had shouted at each other, the girl had just stood there, regarding and observing unashamedly. "You're wondering about her." Jem noted with the air of someone who was used to it.

Diana smiled sheepishly. "Maybe a little bit." Jem took a sip of his tea, cringing a bit at the taste.

"I will never be used to Western tea." He grumbled. Diana laughed lightly. "Emma is a very damaged girl," Jem began, his tone low. "Her parents died during the war and she was taken by Jonathan Morgenstern after he killed her parents. She was tortured before being left outside of Alicante as a message and a warning from Morgenstern's allies Jia Penhallow took her into the city, but that was of no help. When the attack on Alicante came, she was in the Accords Hall along with the other children. Her family's sword, Cortana, had been returned to her, and she was able to use it to defend herself against the Endarkened, but one of them almost killed her and that also left a mark on her."

Diana was shocked at all that Emma had been through. "I can't imagine…" She murmured sympathetically. Jem's eyes shined in the dim kitchen light.

"She came to the London Institute to live with us - my wife, Tessa, and I - in February. We've tried to help her heal, but she still has a long way to go. She is stubborn and headstrong and serious, but she has a beautiful way with words and an empathetic, compassionate spirit, though she tries to mask it with a tough exterior. She's a brilliant Shadowhunter, very advanced for her age, and I couldn't be more proud. She allows me to call her my daughter and I'm honored that she places me in such high esteem."

A faint, raised voice came from upstairs. "I'll check on it." Diana pushed herself away from the table and quietly padded up the stairs, listening for any sign of an argument. Tensions in the Blackthorn family were running high and Diana fully expected for at least one altercation to end in blows.

She paused at the top of the stairs, hearing murmuring from the first door on the left. "Let's talk about something else." Julian's voice was soft. "What's it like in London?" She waited for an answering voice, but none came. Diana was confused. That wasn't Julian's room, and there had to be someone in there with him. Who was he talking to?

She went back downstairs and settled back into her kitchen seat. Jem raised an eyebrow. "Is everything alright?" He asked. Diana furrowed her brow.

"Julian was talking to someone, but there wasn't a second voice."

"Which door was he behind?" Asked Jem. His expressions was that of someone who already knew the answer.

"The first one on the left."

"Ah." Jem nodded. "That's Emma's room. I thought those two would have hit it off."

"Who's hitting it off?" Tessa asked, entering the kitchen before shrugging off her jacket and draping it over a chair. Jem stood and kissed Tessa on the cheek before pulling out a chair for her, a gesture that Diana found old-fashioned and adorable.

"Our Emma seems to have made friends with Mister Julian Blackthorn." Jem said fondly. Tessa looked mildly concerned.

"Jian, I'm surprised. Normally you'd be up in arms at the idea of a boy attempting to befriend your daughter." Diana laughed and Tessa grinned at her.

"I'm sure I will be eventually, love." Jem smiled at his wife. "But for now, I'm just happy that she's not alone here." His eyes saddened yet again as he turned to Diana. "I know what Julian has done and what he and his family are going through and I'm happy he's found a companion to keep his mind off of things. If that companion is my daughter, so be it."

"He would never hurt her." Diana said, feeling the need to defend the eldest Blackthorn boy. Jem nodded.

"I know." He consoled. "I don't judge a person on their actions, but rather their character. Julian is a fine boy who threw everything away for the sake of his family. I respect that."

Diana nodded, her face firm. "Good." There was a pause and then, curiosity winning out, Diana asked, "Why wasn't Emma responding? Do you think Julian upset her?"

Immediately, Jem and Tessa's faces grew solemn. "She, um…" Tessa trailed off. "Emma is unable to speak."

Diana's eyebrows shot up. "Oh, no." Was all she could think of to say.

"She can speak," Jem explained, "but because of the trauma and shock of the War and all that she went through, she is unable. She hasn't spoken a word since she was taken by Morgenstern. She communicates with us by writing and sign language."

Diana's heart broke for Emma Carstairs. "Will she ever be able to talk again?" She asked.

"She will, someday. It's not permanent." Tessa stated firmly. "I researched this kind of psychological trauma. Once she heals permanently, she will be able to speak again."

"I'm so sorry." Diana murmured. Tessa bowed her head.

"We still love her. No matter what." Jem said with finality. Tessa laid a hand on Jem's arm for a moment as the three lapsed into silence. Here we are, Jem thought, so different and yet bonding by our love and defense of these children who have no one else to protect them. Jem thought about Julian Blackthorn and the possibility that his little Emma may become attached to him. That worried him to no end, and at the same time, he was happy that she found someone who could understand the trauma and pain that she'd experienced during the Mortal War.

"We should get some sleep, Jem." Tessa said, taking Jem's hand. Diana stood up, brushing her hands on the legs of her jeans.

"Thank you." She said. Jem smiled.

"Of course, Diana. Good luck." With that, the couple exited the room, leaving Diana standing alone in a dark kitchen wondering (not for the first time) how she was going to survive this week.

* * *

The next morning, Emma stretched out on her bed, blinking at the early morning light that was creeping in through the window. As her legs extended from their cramped position, they struck something that fell to the floor with a thump. Emma sat up to retrieve the object - her notebook - and smiled at the memories that her scrawled words brought. She could still hear Julian's soothing voice in her head responding to every sentence she wrote. Her heart raced in anticipation as she dressed quickly before running downstairs. In spite of herself, she was excited and anxious to see Julian again.

On the other side of the house, Julian was also blinking awake. The first thing he was aware of was a small weight on one side of the bed. Rolling over, he saw eight-year-old Octavian sleeping soundly next to him, his little hand fisted in Julian's T-shirt. Julian grinned and rolled away, gently prying his brother's fist away. "Morning, kid." Julian murmured affectionately, ruffling Tavvy's downy hair before getting out of bed and dressing quickly. He ran a hand through his brown hair before sitting underneath the window, opening his sketchbook and peering at the paper in the sunlight that was just starting to shine into his room.

He had started a sketch last night but had to abandon it when he was too tired to continue. Now, he looked at it again with a critical eye. Pencil was set to page, erasing errant lines, filling in certain areas and lightening others. It was a drawing of a face, but he had left the eyes for very last. That was his custom - the eyes were the hardest to get right, after all.

He drew the outline and then sat still. Her eyes were so dark, so sad and lost, and he didn't know how he was going to convey so much emotion into two brown orbs on paper. Normally his subjects had just one emotion evident in their eyes - pain, sadness, anger, happiness, joy - but she was different. She hadn't spoken in Angel only knows how many years and her eyes were brimming with everything she'd never get to say.

_Huh_, Julian laughed to himself. _Sounds like a good subject for one of Livia's poems_.

"Whatcha doing?" Octavian's small, sleepy voice, muffled by the covers, interrupted Julian's thoughts. Julian set his sketchbook and pencil aside, moving to sit at the end of the bed.

"Just drawing." He said offhandedly. "You going to get up?" Tavvy shook his head, eyes tightly closed.

"I don't wanna." His voice sounded thick. "I don't like it here." Julian's heart clenched as he rested a comforting hand on his baby brother's back. "Livvy is sad and Ty and Dru are fighting and I just wanna go home!" Tears filled Julian's eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "but we can't go home. Not for another five days." There was a sniffle and a sigh and then Octavian rolled over and sat up, his eyes shining but dry.

"I'm okay, Julie." He hugged his older brother. "Don't worry." The little boy jumped out of bed and ran down the hall. Julian's heart ached even more. His siblings weren't supposed to see him cry or break down. They were supposed to think that he was strong and could handle this. He continued to berate himself for letting Tavvy see him cry while he got dressed and exited his bedroom. How could he be so stupid?

A light tap on his shoulder caused him to jump. He turned and came face-to-face with Emma. Her long blonde hair was loose over her shoulders and her brown eyes were smiling at him as she curled her fingers in a wave. "Good morning, Emma." Julian greeted, feeling happier just by seeing his new companion. "Did you sleep well?" He asked. Emma nodded and Julian smiled. "I'm glad. Why don't we go get some breakfast." Emma nodded again and the pair set off down the hall. Emma stopped at her room to grab her notebook and a pen before descending the stairs into the kitchen.

"Good morning, _Xiao Yi_." Jem hugged his daughter around the shoulders. Emma rolled her eyes, scribbling on her notepad before handing it over to Julian. _ 'Xiao Yi' means "Little One"_, she wrote. _It's his nickname for me._ She looked affectionately over at Jem as Julian read. He could almost hear the sarcasm in her 'tone' and he had to grin.

"Well, you are fairly little." He teased, ruffling Emma's hair. Emma batted his hand away, scowling. Tessa laughed from her post at the stove.

"You must be Julian Blackthorn." Jem noted, extending his hand toward the younger boy. Julian shook it, feeling as though he was under scrutiny for something. "I'm Emma's guardian and father."

_DAD!_, Emma corrected, shoving her notebook in Jem's face. Jem laughed. "Fine. I am Emma's dad."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Carstairs." Julian bowed his head respectfully. Emma shifted from foot to foot.

"Would you two like some breakfast?" Tessa asked, loading pancakes onto a plate. Emma's stomach growled. "I'll take that as a yes." Tessa chuckled, handing plates to Julian and Emma. Julian took four pancakes and drowned them in butter, relishing the thought of a meal that wasn't cooked by him or one of his siblings (most of whom were culinarily challenged).

Emma took her plate, modestly laden with only two pancakes, and pushed open the screen door on the side of the kitchen. Julian followed her, sitting down on the narrow stone steps. "You're not eating a lot." He noted. "Are you going to get full?" Emma nodded, cutting her pancakes neatly into strips. "Sorry, I probably seem like a total worrier. I have younger brothers and sisters, so I'm sort of used to being the protector and overseer." Emma shrugged. They lapsed into silence as they ate. Emma studied Julian's profile while she ate. His eyes were red - not noticeably red like he'd been crying for hours, but Emma had spent enough years concealing her own physical signs of distress to notice the signs on someone else. She wondered why Julian was crying, but she couldn't bring herself to ask. It was none of her business and besides, it wasn't her place.

Julian was also studying Emma, but his gaze was much more blatant. The more Julian looked at her, the more surprised he was at all of her contradictions. Her facial structure was delicate, but how she held her features made it plain that no one was to mess with her. Her arms and legs were slim, but strong, and Julian could plainly see the scars and runes that littered her skin as a testament to her life as a Shadowhunter. She must have been a brilliant fighter judging by the amount of Strength, Endurance, and Agility runes she bore.

_Why are you looking at me?_ Emma wrote, handing the notebook to her friend. Julian shrugged, his neck turning red. "I don't know." He muttered, looking down.

_I didn't mean to make you feel bad_, Emma scribbled hastily. Julian read it and smiled, resting his index finger under Emma's chin and lifting it upward.

"It's okay," he smiled awkwardly. "I guess I just like looking at you because you have a pretty face."

Emma's face turned red as she shook her head. "No, I mean it." Julian let his hand fall to his side, feeling awkward and confident at the same time. "You're really pretty and you have a nice smile and I like how you think and-" he broke off as Emma started writing something furiously, "and I should probably stop because you probably think I'm an idiot."

_I'm really not that pretty. I have ugly scars and I can't talk and my eyes aren't alive like yours. I'm not good at anything but fighting. I break down and freak out all the time. Face it, I'm not good for much._

Julian was about to reply when the gate banged open and Tiberius and Livia entered the small backyard. "Hey guys," Julian said, slightly miffed that he and Emma didn't get to finish their conversation. "What's going on?"

"Why is she still here?" Ty asked, ignoring his older brother's question. Emma's eyes hardened as her gaze bored a hole through Tiberius's skull.

Julian looked pained. "She's staying here with her family, just like us."

Livia tried to step between her two brothers. "Let's go inside, Ty." She said reasonably. Ty refused to budge.

"I don't like her. She doesn't belong here." Emma's fists clenched. "Why do you keep letting strangers talk to us? They're all worthless. They don't understand." Julian looked horrified.

"That's enough, Tiberius!" He yelled, standing up. Emma stood up with him. "Shut up and go inside now!"

"We wouldn't be like this if it weren't for you." Ty spat. "You're the one that killed our father. I hate you for that! This is your fault!" Julian's face crumpled while Ty spun around and stalked inside.

When Ty tried to brush past her, Emma punched him.

—

"Emma, punching people in the face is no way to solve a conflict!" Jem chastised his daughter gently. Julian cast her a side glance from the couch, his lips quirking up in an almost imperceptible grin. Emma's eyes remained impassive, but Jem seemed to guess her meaning.

"I know you're not sorry, _Xiao Yi_." He said. "Just please try not to make any more enemies." With that, Jem exited the room to see if he could help Diana mend Tiberius's broken nose.

Julian looked at Emma. She hadn't moved a muscle during the entire confrontation, and Julian found himself marveling at how Jem could read even the slightest shift, blink, or twitch. He wished he had that ability. She was a foreign thing to him, and that mystery only made the urge to know her greater.

Maybe he could. Maybe he could have a chance to have a friend. Maybe she would be his chance to be normal. She understood the trauma, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the scarring. She was understanding and kind. She intrigued him and, for some reason that he would figure out later, he wanted to chase her.

_Was it possible?_

Julian had an idea. "Come on, Emma." He stood up, holding out his hand. "I want to show you something."

_I guess I'll find out._


	4. Dissonance

_**A/N: Hello beautiful readers of mine! I'm so sorry that this chapter is so short - I have a mild case of writer's block due to some personal stuff going on at the moment. However, I hope you enjoy this chapter nonetheless! Please don't be shy about leaving me a review - I always love hearing your ideas and your thoughts on my story!**_

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Emma didn't pay much attention to where Julian was taking her as he pulled her through the streets of Alicante; she was too preoccupied by the feeling of his calloused, gentle hand in hers. Heat flooded her cheeks. _Stop it, _she commanded herself. She had always been a cynic about love, even before the Mortal War, and her dislike of the cliche of "love at first sight" was rearing its head even now. _Stop it, _she told herself again. _You've known him for all of two days. There's absolutely no need for these kinds of feelings. _But what were those feelings? Emma had never even been in love so for all she knew this wasn't love at all, just an odd attachment to the first actually friend she'd ever had.

"Emma, look." Julian had stopped, his hand still in Emma's. Emma shook herself from her thoughts and stared. They were standing on a green hill just outside the city. The grassy knoll overlooked Lake Lynn, which was shimmering in the bright sun. There was no audible noise from the city behind them, only the sounds of the wind rushing through the trees and the water lapping against the shore. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" Julian asked, watching her response to the view stretched out before her. Emma nodded, the corner of her mouth twitching up. She touched her finger to the inside of his arm and began tracing on the skin there. It took Julian a moment to realize that she was writing letters. "Sorry, can you do that again? I got lost." He said sheepishly. Emma smiled slightly and began again.

_I-T-S B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L I R-E-A-L-L-Y L-I-K-E I-T_

Julian smiled. "I'm glad." His arm tingled from where her delicate finger had touched it. "This is where I go to think when I'm here and things get to be too much." Julian sat down on the grass, motioning for Emma to join him. Emma obliged and looked over at him, her gaze understanding. "It's just hard to have that reminder around all the time, you know? Every morning, I see my little siblings and the pain they're going through and I know it's my fault. I hate it."

_D-O-N-T H-A-T-E Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-F _Emma wrote. _Y-O-U D-O-N-T D-E-S-E-R-V-E I-T._

A humorless smile passed over Julian's face. "Yeah, I do. But thanks."

_I-M N-O-T G-O-I-N-G T-O L-E-A-V-E Y-O-U _Emma traced. _I-T D-O-S-E-N-T M-A-T-T-E-R W-H-A-T Y-O-U D-I-D_

Julian smiled, but his eyes remained dark. "You know I'm not going to leave you either, Emma. Even when we go home, I'm still going to be here. Okay?"

Emma nodded, warmth and panic spreading through her with equal velocity. She feared attachment (and had since the Mortal War). Everyone always ended up leaving her so logically, if she was never attached, she couldn't get hurt. However, this was a boy who understood her and had been through the same things as her. Maybe this wouldn't be so terrible. What could it hurt anyway?

Julian's heart jumped as Emma leaned her head on his shoulder. They sat in silence, letting the wind whip around them and the sun beam down on them. Emma began to nod off but was startled awake by a hissing noise. She tugged on Julian's arm.

"What's- CRAP!" Julian yelled suddenly as a humanoid demon launched itself toward the two young Shadowhunters. Emma rolled smoothly away from Julian and landed on her feet, mentally berating herself for forgetting to be armed before leaving the house. Luckily, Julian was prepared.

"Emma, catch!" Julian shouted, throwing her a knife. Emma caught it hilt-down and swung it, catching the demon in the shoulder. It hissed again and jumped at her. Emma rolled sideways and thrusted her knife up to its stomach. The demon screamed and disintegrated.

"That was impressive, Carstairs." Julian laughed, slightly out of breath. Emma nodded, wiping her blade on her jacket sleeve before handing it back to Julian. _Thanks. _"We need to tell someone about these attacks. This is the second one in, what, two days? Someone needs to know!"

Emma nodded. _W-E N-E-E-D T-O T-E-L-L J-E-M_

"Okay." Julian agreed, starting up the hill toward Alicante. "You coming?" Emma nodded, trailing after him.

They reentered the city and made a beeline for the house. Julian went inside in search of Diana while Emma followed the violin music around to the back of the house.

"Hello, _Xiao Yi_," Jem greeted his daughter with a smile. Emma waved and sat on the ground near Jem's violin case, scribbling in her notebook. When she had finished detailing the events of their incident, Jem looked concerned.

"Does this have anything to do with why you arrived home with fresh iratzes last night?" Jem asked. Emma hung her head, ashamed that she didn't hide her injury better. "Emma, you should've told me." Jem stood, tucking his violin into the case. "Let's go inside and take care of this mess, alright?"

Emma obediently went back inside, climbing the stairs to find Julian. She found his bedroom and raised her hand to knock but stopped, hearing voices inside. "-can't believe you wouldn't have told me this." Diana Wrayburn was saying. "Julian, you can't afford to take risks like that."

"She's just a friend!" Julian exclaimed. Diana huffed a sigh.

"Julian, do you know who she is? Do you know what she's been through and how damaged she is?" Diana's voice rose. Emma's hand clenched into a fist, her nails gouging her palms.

"I don't have to know!" Julian shouted.

"Julian," Diana's voice was gentle. "Julian, she'll just end up leaving you. You know that. As soon as she discovers what you did during the war, she's going to leave you. And then what? What will you do?"

"You're right." Julian sighed. Tears filled Emma's eyes. Just when she thought she was making a friend, just when she was getting attached, he was going to leave her. _I thought you were going to stay, _she mouthed at the door as if he could read her lips.

"I'll stay away from her if it'll make you happy." Julian was pacing as he spoke.

"It's not that I don't want you to be happy, Julian. I do." Diana said. "I just don't want you to get hurt by someone who maybe isn't the best for you."

"Fine." Julian said, not willing to continue that discussion. He opened the door. Emma stared at him, her expression blank and eyes broken. Julian knew in that moment that she had heard everything. "Emma-"

Emma shook her head, a tear rolling down her cheek. _You said you'd never leave me, _she mouthed.

"Emma, I'm sorry. I didn't- I never-" Julian couldn't find words, couldn't see past the broken, betrayed look in her eyes. He didn't know he meant that much to her already, but he supposed it made sense. _Who knows how many losses she'd suffered in the past? Who knows how many people had left her? You're so stupid, Julian! You should have just told Diana to screw off!_

Emma backed away from the brown-haired boy, dashing tears off of her cheeks. _Stay away from me! _she wanted to scream. But of course she couldn't, so she turned on her heel and fled, running through the hall and outside, past a concerned Jem and worried Tessa. She bolted all the way to the edge of the forest where she knelt in the dirt and cried, her body shaking with soundless sobs.

_Why, Julian? I thought I could trust you!_


	5. Endings

_**A/N: Thank you so so much for your sweet reviews! They really make my day! 3 Here's another chapter - this one is a bit long and slow, which I apologize, but the stage must be set somehow! :P I hope you enjoy this!**_

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By the time she had stopped crying, Emma had been kneeling in the dirt for hours. Her blue jeans were stained with mud and grass, but she didn't care. The sky was darkening with storm clouds as she trudged back to the city, prepared to be shamed for her display earlier. Admittedly, Emma was embarrassed that she actually ran out of the house in tears. It was a terribly dramatic move. but at the time, she was too hurt to care. Now her cheeks were flaming and her eyes were burning. Instead of going back to the house like she had originally planned, Emma wandered the streets for a little while longer, unwilling to return and face the Blackthorn boy with the sad eyes. She knew that she couldn't stay angry with him if she looked at him, no matter how hard she tried, so she resolved to avoid him and hence avoid that problem.

It was starting to drizzle, big fat waterdrops landing on Emma's hair, nose, and cheeks. They ran down her skin like teardrops, symbolism that Emma did not appreciate. Huffing an annoyed sigh and cursing the fact that she forgot her sweatshirt, she spun on her heel and began to stride home, knowing that Jem would be very cross with her if she came home drenched. Emma was walking so quickly that she almost ran into a shorter figure. "Woah!" A girl's voice exclaimed, pushing a black hood off of her head. "Sorry!"

Emma realized it was Livia Blackthorn, Julian's younger sister. They had the same solemn eyes and identical posture, although Livia stood more on the balls of her feet, as if she'd have to lunge forward and run at any second, while Julian stood with his feet planted and firm. Julian's whole being was solid, unmovable. Emma had a feeling that he was the type of person that was shamelessly loyal. What would it feel like to have such loyalty directed at you?

_Stop thinking about it! _She scolded herself. Livia must have been able to read her micro-expressions because her eyes got darker.

"I'm sorry for what happened earlier," she said softly. "Julian really does care about you. That's rare, you know. He doesn't get attached easily at all. You're lucky."

Emma shrugged her shoulders, not really willing to try to have a conversation about this. She began walking back toward the house but Livia followed. Emma remembered that she was Tiberius's twin, so she supposed that Livia was no stranger to stubborn teenagers. _Great._

"You should let him say that he's sorry." Livia advised, pushing her wavy, damp hair out of her face. Emma shook her head. "You know he's going to try. He does this thing where he looks up slightly and blinks his big eyes and literally _everyone _falls for it." She laughed and Emma couldn't help but smile. "You won't be able to resist it. Trust me."

They reached the front steps of the house soon after and both soggy girls removed their shoes and scampered upstairs to change. Emma shut and locked her door and turned, facing herself in the small dresser mirror. Her brown eyes were red and swollen and there were dried tear-stains on her cheeks. _You're pathetic_, Emma told herself, scrubbing the salt-stains off of her cheeks. She had no idea why Julian's conversation had hurt her so much and she was torn between obsessing over it and just letting it go, hoping that she could distract herself enough to keep thoughts of him away. Emma had always prided herself on being a tough, independent warrior so she hoped that, by stifling her sadness at Julian's rejection, she would harden even further and be that much closer to the ideal of the perfect Shadowhunter.

"Emma?" Jem knocked on the door. Emma inhaled deeply, exhaled, and opened the door. She raised her eyebrows and waited for Jem to address her. "What happened, little one? You came running out of here earlier like hell was following you!"

Emma shook her head and tried to close the door, but Jem blocked it with his foot. "Emma Cordelia, what's going on?" His tone was not stern, but his gaze was steely-cold. Emma sighed in resignation, grabbed a notebook, and wrote.

_Julian doesn't want to be around me anymore. I'm too messed-up. I'm bad for him._

Jem looked at his daughter's sad face. "Oh, Emma. Did he say that?"

_No, but he agreed with the person who did._

Jem lifted Emma's chin with his index finger, forcing the teenager to meet his eyes. "Emma, unless Julian told you himself that he didn't want to be around you anymore, you shouldn't believe anything otherwise. Did you run from him?" Emma nodded, her brown eyes traveling to the floor. "Did you give him a chance to explain himself? Did you let him explain what you heard?" Heat flooded into the girl's cheeks as she shook her head. "_Xiao Yi_, you should never assume anything. Go talk to him now." Emma blinked up at him, her face unreadable even to Jem's practiced eye. "Go on."

Emma sighed, snatching up her notepad and stalking out into the hall. She wasn't sure how she felt about her guardian's wish for her to talk to Julian. On one hand, she secretly hoped they could fix whatever had happened and go back to the safety of their quiet companionship. On the other hand, there was an evil part of her that wanted to punish Julian for what he and Diana Wrayburn had said. _Why would she think that?_ Emma wondered as she approached Julian's door. _What's so wrong with me? On the outside, I'm just fine. _Emma scoffed to herself. _Yeah, right. I'm not and everyone knows it._

Emma knocked on the door in front of her. Almost immediately, the door flew open. Julian was standing there, his cheeks flushed and his eyes red-rimmed and sunken. Emma was shocked to see him in such a state and for a moment, her anger was replaced by concern for the boy in front of her.

"Emma, I'm sorry." Julian breathed, pulling his long sleeves over his hands, a nervous gesture that Emma found oddly endearing. "What Diana said, it wasn't something I agreed with. It wasn't- I didn't-" Julian paused, taking a deep breath. "Look," he began, his gaze and voice level. "I really like being around you. You calm me. You make me laugh. You're easy to be around. I don't particularly care about how 'messed-up' you are. I am too, but you're still around even after seeing my fit of anger last night." The corner of Emma's mouth twitched upward despite herself. "I'm sorry that Diana said that and I'm sorry I was so flippant." He hesitantly reached out to touch her shoulder. "Can we-" He broke off as Emma scribbled two sentences on her pad.

_I forgive you._

_Friends again?_

Those five words made Julian's spirits soar. "Yes, of course." Emma grinned, her dark eyes lightening considerably. Julian hesitated for a minute before pulling her into a tentative hug. Emma inhaled his smell of smoke and turpentine, burying her head in his shoulder, an uncharacteristically trusting gesture that made Julian smile.

From downstairs, Tessa called for Emma, who shot him an apologetic glance before retreating down the hallway. Julian watched her go before shutting the door, leaning against it with a relieved sigh. He was thankful that Emma didn't ask about his red eyes and disheveled appearance. He would have found it awkward to attempt to explain to her why he was upset. It had some to do with her, sure, but it was more than that. He was angry at the war, angry at Diana, angry at his siblings, angry at the world. It had all come out once he was alone, after Emma had run from him and Diana had left, called away by some squabble or other by one of his siblings. Julian had known that it was his job to go downstairs and calm them, to protect Dru or pacify Livia or restrain Ty, but he wasn't able to bring himself to do it. He just paced his room, smoking and hating himself. It had driven him crazy not knowing what he was feeling and no matter how he attempted to drown his feelings in smoke and paint, he couldn't. Eventually, he had ended up breaking down in tears, tears that only stopped moments before Emma knocked on his door.

What was it about her that drew him to her? She was quiet, observant, and tough - qualities that normally caused Julian to run in the opposite direction. Julian would have thought that her emotional trauma and her closed-off mind would have driven him far away, but they only made her more intriguing to him. It was killing him not to know what she was thinking, killing him not to know what her voice sounded like. He could only imagine what it was like in her head.

"Julian?" Dru's voice jerked him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, what's up?" He waved Dru in. She cautiously stepped in, blinking at her brother with shining eyes. "Are you okay?"

Dru shook her head slowly, blinking her big verdigris eyes. She sat on the bed next to Julian, tucking her legs underneath her and leaning her head on Julian's shoulder. "I don't like it here. I want to go home."

Julian's eyes filled with tears for the third time that day. "I know, Dru." He said, unable to say anything else. "I'm sorry. I wish I could take you home. We're only here for a little while longer, okay? Do you think you can hold out that long?"

Dru hesitated for a moment before nodding. "What's with you and Emma Carstairs?" The thirteen-year-old asked. "Are you two friends now?"

Julian shrugged. "I think so. I don't know - I've never had a friend before." Dru's eyes saddened.

"You make her happy." Julian looked at his little sister in shock. "I can see it in her eyes. She's happy when she's with you."

"I'll never see her after we go home though," Julian defended, partially to himself. "She lives in London and we're in L.A."

Dru hopped off the bed, tucking a short strand of hair behind her ear. "You'll figure something out. I know how hopelessly loyal you are." She gave her older brother a classic Blackthorn smirk before exiting the bedroom, seemingly happier than she had been when she entered. Julian watched her leave then flopped back on the bed, staring aimlessly at the ceiling, thinking, as he always seemed to be these days, about Emma Carstairs.

* * *

Emma descended the stairs at Tessa's call, skidding to a stop in the kitchen. Tessa and Diana turned from their positions at the stove and Emma's heart sank. She didn't really want to see the Blackthorns' caretaker, not after the incident this morning.

"Thank the Angel you're here, Emma," Tessa laughed self-deprecatingly. "I became so busy that I forgot to give Jem his lunch! He's at the Accords Hall for Clave meetings; would you be willing to run him his food?" Emma hesitated - the last thing she wanted to do was return to the place where the massacre during the Mortal War had occurred - but nodded her agreement anyway, not wanting to upset Tessa. "Thank you, Emma. It's in the icebox." Emma grinned in spite of herself, affectionately rolling her eyes. _No one says 'icebox' anymore, Tessa, _she wanted to say, but of course, the words caught in her throat.

Within minutes, Emma was striding through the quiet streets of Alicante. The rain had stopped, although there was still no sun, but there were still very few people out on the streets. Emma guessed that they were all at home eating lunch or in the Accords Hall for the meetings. Carefully avoiding puddles and loose stones, Emma trekked across the city to the Gard, keeping her head down to avoid seeing any of the markings she knew were still left from the war: a piece missing from an archway, a dent in a stone step, a light stain in the shadow of a tree where hardly any rain or sun touched down.

"Hello, Emma." Jia Penhallow's voice startled her out of her memories. Emma swiveled and stared at the Consul, a mixture of hate and surprise evident on her face. Before Jia could blink, Emma had schooled her features into a mask of neutrality. "If you're looking for Jem, he's up those stairs." Jia gestured to the stone stairs on her right and Emma gratefully climbed them, leaving Jia alone.

Emma wandered through the corridors, listening for voices or other indicators of the Council's presence. After about fifteen minutes of searching, she happened on an ajar door. Rather than pushing it open and entering, Emma stood and listened to the two men inside talk. She recognized one voice as Inquisitor Lightwood's.

"I'm not certain that it's for the best," Robert Lightwood was saying. "I think you should let her come to the reopened Academy."

"Absolutely not!" The second voice was Jem's. "She is my daughter and I'm not going to give her up to be trained by strangers."

"She is not your daughter." Robert snarled. "She is a ward of the Clave and we decide what she will do with her training."

There was a screech as Jem stood up from his chair in outrage. "Are you threatening my family, Robert?" Jem's gentle voice held an edge. "I don't take kindly to threats."

There was silence. Then, "If I were you, I'd be careful of whom Emma is befriending. Julian Blackthorn is a killer."

Emma's breath caught in her throat. A killer? _Julian? There's no way._

Jem was unfazed. "I know what Julian has done, but I see no threat to Emma in him." Footsteps approached the doorway. "I'll take my leave now." Jem's formal tone was cold. Emma quickly backed away from the wall just in time for Jem to exit the room. "Emma," his voice was tired, "I had a feeling Tessa would send you." Jem's silver eyes gave no indication that he knew that Emma had overheard their conversation. Emma handed his lunch over and Jem smiled. "Thank you, _Xiao Yi._ I'll see you at home, yes?"

Emma nodded, retreating down the hall, her mind spinning. _I have to talk to Julian._


	6. Found

_**I hope this next chapter finds you all well and warm! Thank you for your amazing reviews; they make my heart sing! As always, criticism, theories and ideas are always welcome! Enjoy!**_

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Julian was eating a sandwich in the kitchen, listening to Tessa and Diana talk about something of little consequence (while studiously ignoring Diana in a fit of childish rebellion regarding their earlier conversation) when Emma came running in, her eyes wild and her hair a mess. Ignoring Tessa's questions, she grabbed Julian's sleeve. Julian had just enough time to snatch up his sandwich before Emma pulled him upstairs and into her room. She scribbled wildly on her notebook and thrust it at him, pulling her sleeves over her hands while Julian read.

_Did you really kill someone? I heard Jem and Robert Lightwood saying that you did. That's not true, is it?_

And just like that, Julian's heart broke. He nodded numbly in answer to Emma's question, letting the pad fall noisily to the floor as he sat on the bed and hung his head, staring angrily at his sandwich. "Yes." He said quietly, knowing Emma could hear him. "Yes. I killed someone."

Emma didn't ask who, didn't reach for her notepad, only sat next to Julian and leaned her head on his shoulder. His whole body was shuddering and Emma could tell he was trying not to cry. _I D-O-N-T T-H-I-N-K A-N-Y L-E-S-S O-F Y-O-U _Julian felt those words being traced out on his arm as a lone tear streaked down his cheek. He angrily wiped it away, cursing himself and the onslaught of memories threatening to crowd his brain. Emma kept her hand on his arm and Julian forced himself to focus on the feeling of her warmth and her gentle touch. It felt kind of strange having someone outside of his family touch him in such a friendly way, but it was nice.

"You don't know, Emma. You don't know what it's like." Julian took in a shuddering breath. "I have nightmares every night about seeing him dying at my feet. He was an Endarkened, I know that, but it still hurts. He was my dad!" Julian looked sideways at Emma. Her expression hadn't wavered at all.

Emma plucked the sandwich out of Julian's hand, rested it on the pad of paper, and pulled him backward on the bed. She laid down next to him, keeping a chaste distance from him but keeping her hand on his arm. Emma looked up at the ceiling, counting the cracks in the plaster, and Julian looked over at her, careful to not disturb her focus. How could she hear that he was a killer, that he had committed patricide, and still want to be near him? She, unlike any sane person would be, didn't seem to be appalled at all.

"Do you miss your parents?" Julian asked her. Emma looked over at him and nodded, her eyes guarded. "I miss mine. My mom died when I was ten. It was right after she had my baby brother, Octavian, so he didn't have a mom. My older sister, Helen, was the only mother figure he had."

_W-H-E-R-E I-S H-E-L-E-N-? _Emma traced. _I D-O-N-T R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R M-E-E-T-I-N-G H-E-R_

Julian's throat closed up again. "You haven't met her, and you never will. She was exiled by the Clave after the Dark War." Emma's eyebrows furrowed together as a question. "They exiled her to Wrangel Island; they didn't trust her because she's half-faerie."

Julian's tone was emotionless at this point. Emma recognized the pain in his eyes — it mirrored her own — and wanted to do something to take his sadness away. She had thought that maybe asking him questions and letting him talk would help, but it only seemed to make things worse. Still, a part of her wanted to know more. The pieces of the Julian Blackthorn puzzle were now fitting together, creating a heartbreaking picture that Emma wanted to keep forever.

"What about you?" Julian asked, flipping on his side and propping himself up on his elbow, his head resting on his hand and his face turned towards Emma.

Emma shrugged, her stomach knotting. _Julian must've had the same idea that I did, _she thought, sighing.

"Did you have any brothers or sisters?" Julian asked. Emma shook her head, pulling her sleeves over her hands again. "You do that a lot." Julian noted, nodding at her hands. "But you're not shy. Why do you do it? Is it a nervous tic?"

Emma shrugged in response; Julian smiled slightly. "That's okay. I bite my nails; that's my stress release." He showed Emma his hand, bitten-to-the-quick nails, paint stains, and all. Emma touched his family ring, her slim fingers dancing over the metal and onto Julian's skin. Shivers ran up and down his arm at her touch. She looked up at him, her brown eyes deep and sad. Julian met her gaze, softening his eyes as they met hers. "You know I'm not telling you all this because I think you don't care or because I know we'll never see each other again, right? I'm telling you because I really trust you."

Emma smiled — a radiant, true smile — and reached for Julian's hand. _T-H-A-N-K Y-O-U _she traced. Julian nodded, his eyes trained on her left hand that was still on his. Her sleeve had ridden up slightly, exposing a scar running vertically up her arm. Subconsciously, he touched it with a gentle finger. Emma jerked away, covering her arm again and clenching the comforter beneath her with a tight fist.

"I'm sorry, Emma." Julian was quick to apologize. "I didn't mean to scare you or hurt you."

Emma relaxed, but her eyes were still dark. _I can't let him see, _she warred with herself. _He'll think it's hideous. Wait. _She halted her own train of thought. _Why do I even care what he thinks?_

Emma knew the answer to her own question: she didn't want Julian to know her story. It was too hard to talk about, although she'd never admit it to herself.

Bracing herself and firming her resolve, she sat up on her knees and rolled up her sleeve, showing Julian the length of her scar. Julian sucked in a breath and tentatively touched the puckered skin, running calloused fingertips over the cold skin. "That must've hurt." Julian murmured.

Emma shrugged, reaching for her pad and pen. _Not really. I don't remember the pain._

Julian looked confused. "What do you mean?"

_I did it when I found out my parents were dead. _Emma's hand was shaking as she wrote. She pulled her shortsword out of its sheath, laying it flat across her legs. Julian saw the inscription on the blade — _I am Cortana of the same steel and temper as Joyeuse and Durendal._

"Woah." Julian looked fascinated by the ancient sword. "Boy, would I love to paint this!"

Emma smiled faintly before laying her arm next to the blade, showing Julian how the scar matched up. "Emma," Julian sighed, his eyes darkening.

_I didn't try to kill myself, _Emma wrote defensively, imagining what conclusion Julian might jump to. Jem had thought the same thing at first.

"I wasn't thinking that." Julian sat up as well, his hand still on her arm. "But I wish that whatever happened to cause you that much pain had never happened."

Emma rested her hand over Julian's, blinking up at him. _His eyes are really nice, _she thought to herself. Little did she know that he was thinking the same thing.

Seeing the sadness in Emma's eyes, Julian got an idea. "Hey, come with me." He slid off the bed, grabbing Emma's hand (and Cortana, which was lying next to her) and pulling her out of her room and down the hall. Julian drug her to his room and pushed her into a chair. He crossed to his makeshift easel where a freshly-stretched canvas awaited. The easel was really two chairs that Julian had pulled together — Diana hadn't let him bring his real easel, although she allowed him to bring five canvases to paint on while they were in Idris; the older Shadowhunter knew that Julian would go crazy without something to do.

Emma looked at Julian quizzically. "I'm going to paint you." He placed Cortana across her lap, tilting it so the writing was visible. Emma rested her hands on the sword, one on the hilt and one on the blade. "Is that okay?"

Emma smiled and nodded, sitting up straight in the chair. Julian waved his hands. "No, just sit normally, okay? I want to paint you as you are." Emma nodded, biting her lip slightly as she moved to roll down her sleeves. "You can leave them up if you want." Julian said almost shyly. Emma paused, seeming to think, and relaxed, replacing her hands on the sword, her forearms still exposed. She watched as Julian mixed his paints and began, peering at Emma with a concentrated eye. He was worrying his lip between his teeth as he looked back and forth from his subject to his canvas.

"Do you want to listen to music?" Julian asked, pulling out his phone. They didn't work in Alicante, but he could still play the music he'd loaded onto the device. He clicked 'play' and grinned when a Christmas song started playing. "Christmas may be in a month, but I guess I'm already excited." He told his new friend sheepishly. Emma smiled, her eyes fixed on her lap.

Julian resumed painting, letting the music continue to play. Emma was a good subject; she sat perfectly still and watched Julian with curious eyes while he worked. It gave Jules an excuse to look at her while she wasn't aware of his eyes on her. In the light leaking in through the window, her chocolate brown eyes were glowing the color of amber. Her blonde hair was turning even lighter in the sun and her evenly tanned skin seemed to glow as well. She was like a modern-day Mona Lisa with lighter coloring, complete with the mysterious smile that Emma didn't even seem to notice was present on her face.

It was four hours before Julian had finished painting. Emma didn't mind how long it had taken; she had grown accustomed to silence and to being left alone with her thoughts and besides, she wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to study Julian a little bit more. His eyes were narrowed in concentration at his canvass while he painted, and sometimes his lips would quirk up in a tiny smile. Emma was dying to know what made him grin like that, but she was contented to wait. Julian's music taste wasn't half-bad either and Emma found herself mouthing the words to more than a few songs. In fact, when Julian set aside his brushes and waved his hands in a _ta-da_ motion, that's exactly what Emma was doing.

"You like Coldplay, huh?" Julian asked, wiping his hands off on a cloth. "This is my favorite song that they sing." Emma nodded approvingly, her cheeks heating in embarrassment that Julian had seen her lip-synching. Thankfully, Julian didn't seem about to comment on it.

He spun the canvas around, being careful to not smudge the paint or ruin his precarious chair/easel, and showed Emma his masterpiece. Not wanting to look too long at the painting itself, he watched Emma's expression.

Emma couldn't help it; a strangled noise of surprise escaped her lips. The painting was a rendering of where she was — sitting in the chair with the sword across her lap — but Julian managed to make it look dark, mysterious, and familiar all at the same time by painting in muted colors with dark bases. Her hair was tumbling across her shoulders in waves, her brown eyes were glowing in the dim light, and the hands holding her sword were strong. The scar on her arm was visible due to the angle, but it didn't look nearly as ugly as she had imagined. Her face was set proudly, her chin lifted and eyes steely-cold, but there was something else there: a light that she suspected only Julian, with his practiced painter's eye, could see. Somehow, he had managed to make her look pretty.

"Do you like it?" Julian was scanning her unreadable face, looking and sounding like a child who was showing his mother a finger painting. In response, Emma jumped up and flew into Julian's arms, hugging him for all he was worth. Her trembling finger traced through his shirt. _T-H-A-N-K Y-O-U. I-T-S B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L._

"No," Julian pulled back slightly to look her in the eye, "you are." Emma's eyes widened slightly as she shook her head. Julian nodded in response and pulled back enough to place his hands on either side of her face and move her head up and down in an imitation of a nod. Emma giggled, batting his hand away. Julian could've sworn that they were flirting with one another, but that was ridiculous.

Faint violin music filtered in under the door and Emma looked up at Julian, bouncing on her toes. It was her turn to drag Julian through the halls of the house, pulling him downstairs to the living room where Jem was standing, wringing beautiful music out of his violin. Emma didn't recognize the song — neither did Julian — but both teenagers were floored. Jem's eyes were closed and there was a faint smile on his face as he played on and on. Emma loved seeing Jem play and she hoped Julian felt the same way.

Jem finished and looked up, smiling at his daughter and her friend. "Did you enjoy it?" He addressed Julian.

Julian's eyes were wide. "Yes, sir. It was amazing."

Jem bowed his head, smiling shyly. "Thank you." He carefully replaced his violin in the old case and sat on the floor with the children. "Did you two have fun today?" He asked in a fatherly way.

Emma nodded, holding up Julian's paint-splattered hand. "I painted something." Julian said sheepishly, wiggling his hand in Emma's grasp.

Jem laughed. "I see that. What did you paint?" Emma raised her hand. "Ah. And did you like his rendering of you?" Jem asked. Emma nodded enthusiastically, a faint blush crawling up her neck to her face. Jem noticed his surrogate daughter's expression and smiled to himself, saying nothing.

"Emma, Tessa, and I are leaving in a couple of days." Jem informed Julian. Emma's expression sobered and Julian felt his heart sink. "But I'm going to bring Emma by once and a while, don't worry." Jem smiled conspiratorially.

Julian turned and smiled at Emma. "Works for me. You can't get rid of me that easy, Carstairs."

Emma smiled, reaching for Julian's arm. _F-I-N-E B-Y M-E_

_—_

Jem and Emma decided to go to the Gard to train and Julian went outside to smoke. He kept close to the house this time, standing in the backyard and surveying the forest while he blew smoke into the cold November air. The screen door banged shut behind him and Julian turned. It was Diana, watching him with sad eyes. A bitter taste filled Julian's mouth. He had almost forgotten how angry he was with her.

"I don't want to talk to you." He said harshly, taking another drag off his cigarette.

"I understand that." Diana stood next to him. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"You'd better be." Julian scoffed. "I really care about her. I want to be her friend, and you could've ruined all of that."

"I know." Diana sighed. "I just want you to be careful. I don't want anyone hurting you."

Julian thought back to the portrait of her that was drying in his room. She was so trusting and vulnerable, yet fearless and brave. He'd rather die than break her heart. He supposed that was the Blackthorn way: when they loved someone, they loved them forever; when they hate someone, there's no going back. "Emma would never hurt me." Julian said with finality.

Diana blew out a breath. "Just watch yourself, okay. She's a very broken girl and you have enough baggage to carry." She turned on her heel and went back inside without another word. Julian didn't have much time alone before Livia appeared at his side.

"Are you okay?" She asked, stuffing her hands in her pockets.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Julian studied Livia's face, guiltily remembering that he wasn't the only one in his family that was negatively affected by the war and their return to Idris. "Are you doing okay?"

Livia nodded, her verdigris eyes far-away. "It's just hard. I close my eyes and I'm ten years old again, back in the streets holding Ty's hand. I'm watching Alicante fall under attack and I know I can't do anything about it - I'm just a kid!" Livia took a deep breath. "When I walk through the streets, I see demons and faeries everywhere — out of the corner of my eye, lurking in alleys — and I know it's not real, but it still scares me. I know I'm older now, and my job's always been to protect all of you, but I still feel helpless, even now."

"I guess the demons inside of us are the ones that are the hardest to fight." Julian said, putting out his cigarette. "But you're safe, Livvy. I promise." Livia leaned her head on her brother's shoulder. "You should be a writer someday," Julian teased, "because that description was really good."

Livia laughed. "Yeah, right." She grabbed Julian's wrist. "You should come inside — it's almost dinnertime and Ty won't come out of his room.

Julian sighed, allowing himself to be pulled indoors and back into the chaos of his life once again. Strangely enough, a certain brown-eyed blonde seemed to have lessened his dislike of this visit to Idris.


End file.
